Honestly, the past couple of days I have had a dull headache, my eardrums are mad at me, my neck is sick of holding my head up and I just want to sit on the couch, watch Nanny McPhee, eat M&M's and nap at my own leisure. Heck, I will even settle for a trip to the potty BY MYSELF! Unfortunately, I don't have any PTO time from this job.
I had a mini episode after I put Adam down for his nap. I was debating on tackling the mess left by the morning's typhoons (you might know them as Eli and Adam) that had swept through the kitchen. Eli was standing at my knees whining about wanting to watch TV.
"But I want to watch TV, I don't want to do anything else!!!"
One can only handle so much of this.
Did I mention my head hurt?
I managed to distract him with a book about a boy and his dog. I became annoyed every time I would read a sentence and he would ask "Why was he scared?" or "Why didn't he like ghost stories".
I needed a break.
I told Eli that I would read this one book and then I needed some quiet time. Sounds reasonable, right? After I read the book I went to my room, sat down on the floor and began to weep. Pretty dramatic, right? I should have taken drama in high school...
Eli wandered in and asked me 12 times in the span of 30 seconds if he could go out in the back yard.
I just continued to weep. No shame. No trying to spare his feelings. Mommy's cry, too.
Eli hung his head upside down so he could get directly in my face.
"What's wrong, Mommy?"
"I am just really tired and my head hurts?"
"What's in you that makes you sick?"
"Nothing, honey, I am just tired."
"And your chest hurts?"
"No, just my head"
and then...
"God made you special and he doesn't want you to be sad."
Stunned..."You are absolutely right, Eli."
"He wants you to be happy, so be happy!"
Sometimes, it's just that simple.
In John 10:10, Jesus says "The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy (peace, happiness, etc.); I have come so that they may have life and have it to the full".
Welp, I guess that about sums it up.
It's hard to remember this and live life to the full when Adam is sitting on the kitchen floor screaming "CRACKER" and it's up to me to figure out what he really wants. It's not always a cracker, you know. That's just baby code for put something in my mouth!
Or when Eli is being particularly inquisitive and I just need quiet for a moment so I can concentrate on finding Adam's pacifier...or cracker... or whatever he wants.
Or when Matt calls at 5:45 to announce that he is stuck out of town on a job and he doesn't know when he plans to be home.
Or worse.
When a loved one passes away after a long, painful fight with cancer (praying for you, Melissa. God see's you.)
Life here, on this planet, can suck sometimes. We have the urge to try to understand everything in hopes that we may find peace in the understanding. We rarely ever do. Look at Robin Williams. In fact, its been my experience, that understanding and the whole process of seeking it, has a tendency to suck the peace right out of us.
God knows this.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight. - Proverbs 3:5-6
So, for today, I will decide to be happy. I am making that choice, headache or not.
I will find what makes me smile and hold it tight for as long as I can.
I will stop trying to figure it all out.
I will simply be in this moment, the one that was created just for me to be in.
This world has plenty of sorrow and sadness in it. I choose, today, not to add to it.
After all, God made me special. That makes me happy. My own personal cracker.
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